[Private] Fools Gold

Sunset
Grandview Gardens
Outfit

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The bitter fall air nipped at the exposed portions of my face. As a mellow breeze rolled through cascading bits of red and yellow throughout the park. The sun was slowly sinking beneath the horizon, greeting the moon as it rose and said its willful goodbyes to the sun. An ever-turning motion of how life can go from something bright. Something beautiful, to something that was eerily dark and terrifying. I wasn’t afraid of the dark, but I was afraid of the things that lingered in the shadows. Not in the real world, but in the shadows that lingered in the recesses of my mind.  

When I closed my eyes, the only thing I could feel and hear was my inner demons threatening to tear apart the only sliver of humanity I had left. There were times when I looked in the mirror, I didn’t recognize the man that was staring back at me. One eye showed fiery warmth, while the other showed a liquid death. Which was the one that was me, and which was the soul that fought to find its way to the surface? The moments of darkness were growing. I refused to share with others that I was losing a sense of time. No one could help me.

You’re lost, and you’re broken. You aren’t worth but a speck of dog shit on the bottom of their shoes. Until you broke, you didn’t really know who you were. Do you really think you know who you are? Not yet, but I will. Is this what you try to tell yourself to make you feel better? Don’t you like making new memories, Lucus? New memories are better than being stuck in the past. You've just given me a get-out-of-jail-free card. You can keep telling yourself that all you want, but I'm not going anywhere anytime soon. I will get rid of you. Good luck. I don’t need it.

A conversation that I had continuously in my head. Whenever I wasn’t under some form of drug, I would hear him. I wasn’t stupid. At this point, I knew exactly what lingered in the back of my mind, and I refused to give it any more refuge than it already had. Finding myself was my key priority, but I wasn’t going to let myself go mad over something that I couldn’t control. He wouldn’t win.

Taking a small vial from my jacket pocket, I stuck it up against my nose and drew in deeply. I wasn’t proud of what I was doing, but it was the only way I could escape. Slipping the vial back into my jacket, I plopped down on a bench and watched as the pond water slowly moved from the pull of the wind. Why did this feel familiar? It wasn’t the drug itself, but something that itched, begging to come out. Something that was trying to come forth, but it was stuck and unable to fully surface.

Flashes of a memory sparked within me, causing my head to roll back as a sharp pain shot through my entire body. “Lucus?” His name slid from her lips while I pulled the hood from my face. I produced a knife and drove the blade into her gut, catching her off guard. At that moment, I felt everything that she felt. The pain seared through my abdomen. I yelled out, grasping where I had been hit.

I jolted forward, grasping at my heart, as it felt like it was trying to leap from my very chest. It was just a taste of what had happened. Was I a murderer? I instantly felt disgusted with myself. Why would I do that to someone that clearly knew who I was? Did I feel threatened by them? “What the fuck?” I said aloud to the hollowed air. Maybe I didn’t want to know more.

Outfit: https://br.pinterest.com/pin/842876886498529021/
Hair: French Braids
Music: Linking the 1st song she’s listening to but lets face it, she goes through like 100 songs LOL

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My birthday was coming up soon. Now, this might sound cheesy but butt, I kind of wanted a horse. No, literally. I’ve always had this fantasy, or rather, daydream, of living on a farm and owning a bunch of horses, having a ton of kids, and retiring out there. The idea excites me until I started overthinking and remembering that all the scariest of movies take place out in the middle of nowhere - i.e, The Conjuring, and don’t even get me started with Jeepers Creepers 2. I still have nightmares of the icky scene where he licks the window of the bus, talk about germs! I wasn’t a germaphobe, but that I couldn’t get past. Anytime I imagine it, I think about his tongue pressing against my skin, and I gag. Not even Beyoncé could cure the thought. I continued my pursuit, one foot in front of the other, glancing down at my iWatch to see if I’d hit two miles yet.

Who run the world? Girls!

To all the men that respect what I do, please accept my shine. I sang to the music, holding on to my teal blue beats that were propped atop my head with both hands to adjust the noise. I tried to run faster in an effort to silence or at least slow down my mind, but to no avail. My brain was going like 150mph per hour. I blame ‘yonce for hyping me up though. I’ve also been going out for a run everyday now - Let’s see if I lose some of my chunky belly now. Also, don’t even get me started on the new Michael Myers’s movie that just came out. Tell me how he is NOT even in it. I did really like the new Hocus Pocus because I live for happy endings. Well, if you think about it Michael Myers’s did have a happy ending too. The next song began to play, Umbrella by Rihana, I couldn’t contain the urge to sing, Ella Ella, ‘eh ‘eh I smiled, running was total like a shot of dopamine, it’s why I’ve been doing it more than usual.

I’ve been on this journey of essentially self discovery, but really, happiness. I am starting to realize that sad isn’t where I should stay. In fact, sad left a long time ago. It left with the wolves, so maybe the wolves took it and ran? In which case, I guess it was meant to be. I never fit in with the wolves anyways, clearly. I wish I felt like this all the time. I mean, I do more often than not now. At this point I am eighty percent, happy kid! I clicked a button on my beats to remove the noise cancelling feature. I enjoyed hearing the bristling of the trees and the water running down the river. Usually I ran at the beach now that I lived by the ocean, but they didn’t call this park Grandview for nothing, today I was here for the mountain views and the privacy was an added plus. The next track began to play, Whitney Houstons, “It’s not right, but it’s okay”, my current anthem.

Ooh this I had to dance to! I picked up speed, It’s not right, but it’s okay. I turned a corner and did a spin. Close the door behind you, leave your key. I stomped my foot on the ground and pointed out in front of me. I’d rather be alone than unhappy. I sang as I twirled around. I jumped at a sound I could hear beneath the beats. When I opened my eyes I noticed Luc sitting on a bench and looking a wreck. Oh Luc, I thought. I’m still in the dark about what had and is seemingly still going on with him, especially since I’ve kept my distance from him. Things have been weird with us for awhile. I brought my beats to rest around my neck. I didn’t even know how to start, just seeing the look on his face was enough to know that something was causing him pain. I rushed over to sit beside him, my hand instinctively making it to his shoulder and hoping that was okay with him.

I guess a conversation had been long overdue, but how do we start? Maybe he didn’t want to conversate, after all he hadn’t called. What better way to start than to hug? Oh it’s so good to see you, Luc. I placed my arm around him. There was nothing like the instant warmth you’d feel from a hug. How is Blaise? The twins, the coven? I finally let go, waiting for his answer.

The fine intricacies of life were nothing but a fragile web. In one fell swoop, all the hard work would come crashing down with little effort. That’s what this felt like. Trying to piece my life together and trying my best to just suck it up and make new memories. Some days, I had a better outlook than others, but apparently, today was not one of my finer days. Maybe I was hinging on the drugs more than I should. The broken-up pills I had just sniffed did barely anything besides mute the voice that was lingering in the back of my mind. The dull vibe of life felt sucked out even with the rushing sounds of the water and the breeze of the wind.

Movement caught my attention, pulling my gaze from the trees in front of me to the dance moves of a fine brunette moving with determination. Her voice sounded familiar. I thought that a lot lately, wasn’t I? Her teal outfit accented the color of her skin and showed off all the right curvature of her body. Before she could realize I was gawking, I turned my gaze toward the sky, watching as the colors swirled and changed with the light slowly fading out.

To my surprise, I felt a touch against my shoulder, her voice lulling as she sat next to me and pulled me into a hug. Alright, this has got to be a thing. I was sure of it now. How many freaking women did I know in this town, and how many of them enjoyed giving me hugs? The smell of coconuts filled my lungs instantly, bringing a wave of nostalgia drifting forward, but where did it come from?

She knew who I was, asked a barrage of questions and the only thing I could produce was a slight uptick in my eyebrow in combination with an awkward hug. “Umm,” I ran a free hand through my hair and let out a sigh. I hated this part. By now I should just print out cards and hand them over before anyone wanted to talk to me. Or tape something onto my shirt saying, ‘I have amnesia. I swear I'm not an asshole.’ At least I don't think I was one. “So...” I finally locked my gaze with hers, and I knew deep down I should have known who she was. Her green eyes showed the perfect spring moss, but I just couldn’t bring her name forward. Blaise should have gone through my phone and told me who was who in the pictures.

Instead, I shoved the phone away and got a new one with a new number. It was my way of making up for a new life. At least that’s what I told myself. After my attempt to talk to River, I knew many bridges were burned, and I didn’t want to keep bringing up a past that I couldn’t have anymore. “The coven is fine. Blaise is good, and so are the twins. But... I must admit,” Here comes the awkward part, “I don’t know who you are.” I said, “I’m assuming since you know me, and about the coven, then you know something has happened.” I tapped the side of my head. “Well, my memories are gone.” I said as my fingers fanned out away from my head, mimicking an explosion.

The world was filled of givers and takers, and regretfully, Lucus and I both were givers. Only I wasn’t able to give the way he could, not anything of monetary value. Maybe that’s why when I first met him, I let him in, so quickly that it felt natural. I wondered if he tried to call me? I was having super freaky issues with my phone lately, some days it didn’t function at all. Maybe he emailed me? I was locked out of my account and couldn’t reset the password…or maybe…maybe he didn’t. And maybe thinking that was for the best.

I pulled away from him, my eyebrows knitting together as what he had said really settled in. Wh—What?. My mouth stayed ajar so long, I swear you’d find a bees nest in that thing. You don’t remember me? My mouth came to a natural pout, something I hated about myself, because it was almost downright impossible to hide my emotions. It was incredibly unfair and most of the time, extremely embarrassing.  What…What happened to you? I asked, urgency in my voice. I leaned in closer to him, my hand grabbing hold of his chin, and looking into his eyes. Look hard. I said, determined to make him remember. Lucus Raymond Moreno, I’m your best friend. I said as a-matter-of-fact, letting go of his chin, and crossing my arms over my chest.

How could Blaise keep something like this from me? No…How could I be so selfish in my own journey of healing that I didn’t know something like this had happened? This was my fault. Not knowing, that was on me, and when I realized it, the sorrow that followed was written all over my expression. I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry I wasn’t there. I’m sorry I haven’t been there. I just couldn’t stop saying sorry. He didn’t even remember me, so what was the point? Let’s take it from the top…

My name is Alina Byrne. My lips formed a closed-lip smile. Reyes, I mean. Alina Reyes. I corrected myself, sliding some strands of hair behind my ear.

If words could tear a piece of this woman’s soul, I’m sure mine did. From the anguished look on her face, I knew it was something that she couldn’t fathom. The soft touches of her fingertips against my chin sent an electric current down to my very core. It wasn’t a magical touch, but it was one that a portion of me had wanted for a long time. When she spoke my full name and claimed to be my best friend, it only confused me more. Why would her touch cause my body to react in the manner it had if we had only been friends? Just how many friends did I have?

What happened? A question that I had asked myself every single day since the moment I became this newer version of myself. Maybe I should take it as a good thing? I could relearn things about people and forget the darker side of their misfortunes. It was hard to look at someone and not know who they were and if they were someone that I had been close with. Or if it was an enemy that used my lack of knowledge to their advantage. She didn’t seem like someone that would put a blindfold over my eyes. “I don’t know what happened.” I said as straight and to the point as I could. Maybe I’m foolish or blind? I probably did this to myself. The thought had crossed my mind plenty of times. Blaise had spoken of a fire in the forest that I had caused. A bunch of college students had died, but he claimed I thought they were hunters.

“Don’t blame yourself,” I said, listening to her saying how sorry she was. “Don’t apologize for it. What’s done is done, and it’s in the past.” I shrugged, trying my best to be as understanding as possible. Her apology fell on deaf ears. I didn’t know what she was saying sorry for. Maybe it was for her own benefit? Either way, I didn’t need to hear it.

“Alina.” I let her name roll off my tongue, trying to see if it would spark anything. Reyes, not Byrne. I took a mental note, but I didn’t find it relevant. Poor relationship in the past, perhaps? One that was something she regretted? “Nice to re-meet you.” I gave her a smile before looking away. My mind had the tendency to wander once the crushed pills hit my system. Just enough to make the world feel like it was alright. “So, what brings you out here running in the park, close to sunset?” I noted as the sun continued to paint the sky in red and orange hues which continued to deepen as the seconds ticked by.